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Oneday a friend asked me did I want-to-accept money from corruption-deeds to fund my project? NOPROB if the program to produce Pil PCC or developing brothel. What was different I and they I answered him.

If for finance the duck husbandry program would I he asked me again. I made back an answer by a new question where was original race of duck? Arabic or local? I’d think 50 times for local race but only 25 times for Arabic race. How can he asked me again because I was struggling for locality not Arabic style I said.

He still didn’t want to stop asking and making question again that would I take it if to support community development program? That program was fit my struggle and goal to help small communities moreover that investor agreed if that program done at hillside Mt. Sindoro Sumbing. It was your promise to mountaineer right? He heard me I got stress no funds.

How can my dream can be realized where I was getting old and weak. This money yes result of corruption but had traveled multi laundries scheme by any business and finally landed in his hand. Because he really knew I’m so idealistic and if he didn’t tell me the source of money in his hand at beginning and if I knew it so I would be upset. Because I was his best friend he wanted me got my dream so he told me the true. But remember he warned may be I would be enough to be an idea producer without had chance to make it. Remember investor of course did corruption but its old case, he had atoned by to be good man and did many donation for poor people. He also Christian. I was so idealistic, quasi-idealistic! Its naive he said.

After listened his very long explanation…

I said because he told me everything now I will tell him all also. What he said was what about I had conversed with myself and all was is finale in myself!

I wasn’t did not to want it but I can’t!

The social program was not about others but my self! What for that’s winning if inside me got crash? That is I can not do. Nobody care about myself whether I was loser even I had donated thousand millions because the people would keep laud what kinds are visible otherwise not what are invisible.

Only me can knew it the hidden things inside me. Its hurts the dream that had parameter standard of a success.

I knew I will get vastly publicity, people will extol me much, and suddenly I had unstop invitation as speaker in everywhere, had many interview schedule, got millions thumbs and comments but I think all is so repulsive and made tired sooner. Try to think if one million people only gave me “like” so as amount as one million multiplied by factors ABC..XYZ..would become my concern whilst behinds all I always knew who am I.

And when I was at seminar podium at speaking about how important of “integrity”, I was worried can’t reveal “integrity” word, something like a waylay in my neck, locked my mouth tight I distorted my face horrible. As how I try to hide hardly I still knew inside me until my eyes closed.

After my long description…these were my thoughts which:

That’s not about were a quasi-idealist or over idealistic but that’s ideal.

Being idealistic hurts the dream, any hope must be alive to keep you get alive. An idealist in dreams perhaps like part of that’s dream.

Being idealistic hurts you so much but liberates you!

What was kind of ideal? Nothing over ideal but compliance only. Ideal was ideal. It was remnant about choices.

That was just about my choice: from empty to empty!

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